My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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