I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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