is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
