Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
