My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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