imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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