i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Randomize
