Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Sorry about my life...
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
