Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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