Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize