The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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