I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
