Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize