he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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