rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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