i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize