We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
