Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
