if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
