he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize