I murdered the dance floor call the cops
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
