hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
