She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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