Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
