my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize