I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
At least life still wants to fuck me.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
