fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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