Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
