Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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