She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
