where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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