I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Who put my cat in the fridge?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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