And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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