Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
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