I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize