Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Randomize
