I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Randomize
