Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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