Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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