dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Randomize
