plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
