When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
