Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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