I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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