i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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