wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
