Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I yelled at your uterus for you.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
