If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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