I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
