I swear she didn't look like that last week.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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