Moan for me like Helen Keller
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Sorry about my life...
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
