Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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