it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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