things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Terrible idea I love it
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Randomize
