I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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