i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
