Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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