Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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