I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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