I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
