He disabled his match.com account in front of me
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize