Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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