The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Randomize
